The first 48

 Being raised a pastor's kid in VA and NC was interesting at best. We moved every few years, it seemed, and I attended four different schools from K to 9th grade, then was homeschooled. Purity culture, social isolation, suppressed emotions, joining a cult-like church after my father was no longer a minister, all add up to a hot mess.  Sexuality was not discussed, and barely educated. Homosexuality was mentioned in church, along with drug addiction and other "sins".  I don't think I recognized any gay folx until I was in my late teens, and those church members were definitely second class citizens right below women. Gay people were not allowed any sort of leadership in the church, and not allowed to work with children in any way. Because gays are perverts, right? (sarcasm!)

So, this is how at 18 years old I gladly married a man seven years my senior. I'd graduated early from high school, attended a whole semester of bible college, and walked down the aisle in a white dress, the life path I'd been conditioned to follow.  Nevermind that my maternal grandmother had offered to cover my college costs if I would wait to get married.  I was getting MARRIED!

Married.  At 18, after being repeatedly told that sex was bad, dirty, to be avoided, to be reserved for marriage, and then when you get married, sex is GOOD.  Yeah, like that was just a switch to be flipped. It didn't for me.  What followed was years of chronic, intermittent pain and physical (and mental!) health issues that still affect me today.  

That first Sunday back at church after our honeymoon was horrifying. People kept coming up to me/us and asking, "So, how's married life?" with a wink and a nod. What they meant was, how is the sex now that you are allowed? I was mortified. Gross. This was 1988.

I soldiered on, having 4 babies in 9 years, which was actually quite spread out given the teaching against using chemical birth control methods. I distinctly remember a DOCTOR in the church giving a few talks to the young marrieds sunday school class, about letting god plan your family.  By that, he meant just have sex whenever you (the husband) want and see what happens.  His wife was mid 30's but she could have passed for 50 except for her obvious pregnancy and toddler on her hip. They must have had 5 children at that point. I saw her, really saw her, fatigue and all, and knew that wasn't right. She looked used up and forgotten.  Still haunts me to this day. I wish I remembered her name.